TUNNEL LIGHTS

Riddle me this everyone.

I arrive at my door step today at around 11:35pm to discover that I do not have my house keys. I frantically look through my back-pack, turn my pockets inside out and I still find no keys. This leaves me in a bit of a dilemma. I've only given out a few sets of keys to certain people my mother(of course), my sister, my cousin(whom is the son of the nosy aunt), and a friend of mine who now lives in LA.

My mother and sister are on a plane to LA right now. My phone is off so can't call my cousin nor my landlord. My aunt (the nosy one) lives next door to me so i suck it up and decide to spend the night there. I walk in and tell her what happen. Low and behold she hands me a key to my house (which I NEVER gave to her). I politely thanked her, found my keys on the coffee table, and gave HER key back.

I am grateful that she had a key otherwise i would not be typing this right now. The question is how did she get the key? I NEVER gave her a key because she is just that NOSY! Don't get my wrong I love her with all my heart but case in point when my cousin moved in with her for a while i caught her going through his stuff. Not only did she see nothing wrong with this behavior but she invited me to join in on the nosy fun.

My theories to how she came to posses a key are.

A: my mother gave her a key in order to promote family unity i guess.

B: my cousin(her son) gave her his key or left it at her house.

C: she somehow got his key without him knowing.

the main question now is what to do now?

Do I change the locks to my house to secure the sovereignty of my privacy? or do nothing and risk having the thought that at any given time she could be snooping?

On to the other subject. I was talking to a co-worker of mine about sexuality and they said something that just took me back about ten years.

" Yeah I'm in a relationship with a female bodied person now..."

It made me laugh and reminisce to when I first came out. Like most i guess the term would be "straight acting" ,"trade" or "butch" males that I've encountered I did not say that i was "GAY" but bi-sexual when i first came out. I would go on and on about how

"love is not limited to a physical form so we as evolved human beings should not limit ourselves to gender".

I would rant about how

"a man can love his father, his brother, his friend, and son and all of these types of love are acceptable in our society. At the same time if a man was to take another man as his lover then some how that is wrong. If you had the same love for a woman and then labeled her with the suffix "er" then that was acceptable. Moreover why even have labels at all. If it is true love then if it is a man or woman then the love will be the same. Love comes from the soul..... blah blah blah"

FOR ME it all boiled down to that fact that some how i felt that admitting my homosexuality was only ok if i also showed that i was still a "man" and still had an attraction to and for women. In reality it was what i call "creeping out of the closet" saying that women were still acceptable also made me acceptable. Acceptable to everyone but myself. Needless to say I am now a full fledged homosexual. The amount of girlfriends that showed me breasts and how it did nothing for me coupled with the fact that sexual intercourse was only achievable when thoughts of extremely sexy men with large asses danced in my head cemented in my soul that i was gay, not bi.

Now don't get me wrong i do believe that their are truly bi-sexual people out there ( the ones I've met 98% have been women). If you are what you are then say it proudly. I just have a problem when people lie to themselves and you know it and they even know it but to reference another conversation that i had with another co-worker today, people have to want to and be willing to make changes in themselves for themselves until then you live with the lie
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

thank you for reading my blog