The thoughts, reflections, rants, raves, on my life; The life of a Christian, black, gay, male.

I was reading something a friend of mine had written about Science and Scientists. I did not post this to his comments because

A: I don’t want to be his contrarian which I have been feeling like as of late and

B: this is way too long

It really made me think and remember things from long ago. I had a friend whom was a devout atheist and held that science was the only answer to any question that man could ever ask of the universe. At that time in my life I had just been “born again” so I was more religious than spiritual but, I still hold fast to what I eventually said to him then which I think led him into Buddhism but that is another topic. I said to him

“Science IS one of the greatest things that man has ever come up with but it only explains HOW, and leaves out WHY. You could go out into a forest and study every rock, tree, bug, animal and so on and be able to explain every aspect of HOW every thing in that forest works but, science will never be able to tell you WHY the tree is a tree and not a rock, the bird is not a lion, why the ant is not a worm or even why the forest is not an ocean. Science is only HALF the answer. He asked me did I know then why a tree was a tree, an ant an ant, and so on. I told him no of course not nobody does. He said then whats is my point. I said to him that’s just it. Some things I don’t want to know or even need to know. What good does it serve me to know why a tree is a tree and not a rock also, if I did know that answer then would I not be responsible for that knowledge?”

We could have went on for hours but this was in the middle of chemistry class and the teacher stopped us because nobody was paying any attention to her. Now that I’m (a little) older and not as devout in religion but more into the growth of the sprit I learned long ago that you can not change people but they change themselves and your purpose is only to share the knowledge that you have with them. The rest is up to them and what every they do or do not believe in. Again don’t get me wrong I BELIEVE in science but even science disproves its own self and contradicts its self all the time.

The photon camera experiment

If you shone a light down an enclosed tunnel with a camera at the one end and a slide in the middle that had slits so small the light could only pass through the slits ONE photon at a time. The Theory is that sense light, and sound travel in waves when the light hits the other end the same pattern should repeat if you were to pull the slide out and put it back. Not only does this not happen but when tested scientist have found that photons were not following wave theory and creating an interference wave pattern. It was as if the same photon was traveling through two different slits at the same time. Science proved something that was scientifically impossible

Black Holes

Basically all physics, all math do not apply to a black hole. Scientist said it was impossible for anything to have gravity = to ∞ yet, a black hole does. Which meant that its gravitational pull was > than the speed of light. Yet again something that was thought to be impossible. We all know from various science classes that if you could travel to a black hole you would get sucked in and as you approached the pulsar you would be stretched out basically over the span of billions of miles till you reached a point of nothingness were there is no gravity, no time, no light, nothing. So too does this happen to the light and all matter that a black hole sucks in. A state were waves are stretched into a line. Which implies that in geometric terms point “A” and point “B” while on the same line are different they are also the same. Time, sound, light all travel in waves so if waves are stretched flat in a black whole does time, and light go on forever in a black whole or do they just stop?? Hence, all mathematics that you learn in high school, and even in some colleges don’t make sense and are not used to “mathematically” explain Black holes.


Life is for the living. Ask your questions and receive your answers I believe in science but remember there ARE things that science can not answer and when science tries to do so they only end up with more questions and still no answer to the original question.

There is an old Chinese tale about the Immortal Monkey King whom hatched from a rock. After pissing everybody off on earth the Jade Emperor let him into heaven to appease the human race. It was not long till he pissed off everyone in heaven. The Jade Emperor not knowing what to do, had the Buddha talk with monkey. Buddha made a bet with the monkey.

“If you are as powerful as you say you are then jump from one end of my hand to the other.”

Monkey laughed at The Buddha and jumped with all his might. He looked down as he jumped and saw mountains the earth and the heavens. When he landed he looked around for The Buddha to make fun of him and mock him but he did not see him so he basically “TAGGED” a pillar which he thought to be the end of heaven. He then jumped back to the Buddha and the Buddha was laughing at him. He was pissed and asked him why he was laughing and the Buddha showed him that not only had he not jumped out of his hand but had tagged his index finger which he had thought was a pillar at the end of heaven. The Buddha then placed him under a mountain guarded by a special sutra (and some type of monster I forget but this is all paraphrased anyway ) for 500 years till he “calmed down” and was ready for enlightenment

What’s my point. In the end compared to it all were nothing more than smart little monkeys whom if were not careful could be pissing off the wrong one.

©Christopher F. Brown 2007






From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:What Makes 100percent? What does it mean to give MORE than 100percent? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100percent? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100percent. How about achieving 103 percent? What makes up 100percent in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions

:If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:H A R D W O R K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98percent

K N O W L-E D G E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96percnet

ButA T T I-T U D E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100percent

AndB-U-L-L-$-H-I-T2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103percent

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.A-S$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118percent

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull***** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

I need you. You don’t have to say anything. Just sit next to me while my mind retreats into itself. You don’t have to do much. As I talk and talk and talk the fact that you are there (even if you may not be listening) is enough to comfort. I don’t need flowers, or candy, or any of the things that young lovers desire. The little things mean more to me. A person can only live life one second at a time. You being you is enough for me.

I need you. As I contemplate Matthew 15:18 raise my hand and decide never to swear again. When I fucking stumble you don't shake a finger, or chastise, or even make known my folly.

I need you. When I meditate on the Chandogya Upanishad book 6 verse 3,2 and I decide to paint my fingernails all different colors and die my hair to match. (Even if you laugh) you let me be me.

You provide input to my examination on Ananse. Should he have been given the Sky god's stories or his wife? She was the one who told him how to trap the leopard, the hornets, the python, and the bush spirit.

I need you to be you, just you and nothing but you. I need you not because I want you. I need you not just for my own selfish mental or sexual needs.

I need you because we are like a saxophone and its player. A songstress and her voice; a painter and his brush.

I need you because together we are a work of art.
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

Let us all take a moment and say farewell to the Halloween party on Castro. I remember the first time I attended I had just come out and I " was looking for some hot stuff baby that evening." I had friends form as far south as Morgan hill and San Jose to as far North as Mt Shasta and some other place that i don't remember (well i don't remember alot about that night but that's not the point).

The point is that what few traditions that young gay and questioning youth have left in this world if swiftly fading away. I was told that not only was the Halloween party the start of the party season it was also in many ways a right of passage. Young and old gather for the first night of fun in otherwise sheltered and closed off society.

Yes there is pride and yes there are other events (the block party) but there was nothing (and probably will be nothing) quite like the Halloween party. A modern masquerade where inhibitions were checked at the muni stations and self discovery awaited.

Then there is the question of who? Whom was that had the power to stop a time honored tradition that had seen over thirty years of life? That answer. That answer is as ironic as the party its self. The very people whom thirty or so years ago came to the Castro seeking self-discovery, seeking a place to carve out a life that they could lead and not be shamed or made to feel as if they had to hide themselves from the world because of who they really are. The very people who live on the Castro. The elders, many of whom have stories of studio 54 and club (whatever) the people who were young enough and had the balls enough to live their life out loud and proud are now closing the door for the next generation. I do say shame. Shame on you for now because for what every reason not giving your children (yes your LGBT children) the chance to be able to say

" I remember back in 07 at the Halloween party; oh let me tell you"

How many cherished memories of your younger days would you dare not give up now in your elder years.

Alas the door is now closed and era has passed. Everyone pray, pray that pride is not next, pray that the cafe is not next, pray that the Castro itself in the the end of the list and we see before it is all to late. Let us, all of us remember when we turn old and grey and are ready to yell out at the top of old tired lungs

"those god$@#$ kids!!!!!"

remember you were one of them.

Happy Halloween.
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

thank you for reading my blog

I feel like an old man saying it yet it does need to be said. When I was younger growing up in North Oakland there were things after school for a child of 8-16 years of age to do without causing chaos and destruction.

The very first thing that I spent many of day (and dollar) at was the arcade. There was one in the public market shopping center ( laughs). There was also a smaller and lesser quality one across the street from Safeway in rockrige. I also recall that what (and yes I am telling my age) was called the underground. It was an arcade that was open to the public. It was on the Cal Berkeley campus. If you by chance happen to get alot of money from "moms" that day you could go and enjoy paying on the pool tables or bowling a few on the lanes. One by one these faded away as mall owners and government officials decided that the pre-teen to teen population was too much hassle to be worth while.

If you were more on the sporty side there was a Laser tag place right next to a batting cage that was conveniently around the corner from the video arcades. These faded away as well yet not with out a fight. These too being "quality activities" for children but again gave way for "progress".

The final bastion that I thought would never fade was the Boys & Girls club of North Oakland on 48th and shattick. This was not where alot of older kids went but, children too young to be at home yet also to young to roam the streets by themselves. They would rage as young as five to as old as twelve. My cousin worked a few summers there and properly put a few of the bolder children with smarter mouths in garbage cans. It was all in good fun alas the Boys & Girls club of North Oakland on 48th and shattick bowed down to the pressure of the every grown appeal of renovating old spaces to lofts.

What now?

Today we have Bay Street. Bay street is just a little slice (or is trying to be) of down town San Francisco (mainly market street) closer to home. If you have the money you have it all. They even have a bran spanking new movie theater, and a bookstore, the works. It almost makes you forget that there has been a movie theater in area for over twenty years and a bookstore for at least twelve. The children with nothing to do and nowhere to go just hang. They congregate in groups up to ten or more. I remember being in a group of three or more was sure to have the local PD circle you a time or two (not that im against police that do actually protect and serve).

These children left up to their own devises just roam. They haunt the streets somewhat aimlessly searching for anything to quench the thirst that a teen has for adventure and excitement. Its sad really. I don't have any answers and I truly wish that i did. On the one hand i don't want them not to be left out in the cold and harsh reality of the worldly truth "no fun with out finance" Then also what is to be done? I fear the all to easy answer that was a trend in my youth

"build more jails"

It reminds me of the stories my mother and older uncles told me about seventh street before the post office came but that is another story.
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

She stopped in-front of my face and said

"Come on… I wanna show you something."

I hoped on her back and she flew me close but not too close to the sun. We danced a dance on the shores of Lacus Somniorum and made love at the top of Maxwell Montes. I told her to take a left at Atlantis and we should have ended up on the shores of Avalon. Instead we landed at mermaid lagoon. She was jealous.

Time passed in the wind. I awoke and she was gone.

I remember the time I rode on the wings of a dragonfly
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

I'm watching the news and Bush has graced So Cal with his presence (what a surprise he would visit one of the biggest republican hot spots in California. forgive the pun) and he had this to say

"Today life might seem dismal but, tomorrow it gets better"

Ok. I get what hes trying to say but no. It will not be better tomorrow. These people have lost EVERYTHING that it has taken a life time to establish. It might get better one day but not tomorrow. I understand the use of similes and metaphors but does he? Its has been almost three or so years and things have not gotten better for Katrina victims, for the most part it has continuously and progressively gotten worse. Things such as the fema trailer making people sick ( http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/05/16/cbsnews_investigates/main2819179.shtml ) to the crime rate being 30% higher there than any other city in America. To give an example if one person was shot everyday in every city in America then in New Orleans it would be three a day. ( http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16490563/ )

Mr Bush, one day yes, tomorrow no.

Riddle me this everyone.

I arrive at my door step today at around 11:35pm to discover that I do not have my house keys. I frantically look through my back-pack, turn my pockets inside out and I still find no keys. This leaves me in a bit of a dilemma. I've only given out a few sets of keys to certain people my mother(of course), my sister, my cousin(whom is the son of the nosy aunt), and a friend of mine who now lives in LA.

My mother and sister are on a plane to LA right now. My phone is off so can't call my cousin nor my landlord. My aunt (the nosy one) lives next door to me so i suck it up and decide to spend the night there. I walk in and tell her what happen. Low and behold she hands me a key to my house (which I NEVER gave to her). I politely thanked her, found my keys on the coffee table, and gave HER key back.

I am grateful that she had a key otherwise i would not be typing this right now. The question is how did she get the key? I NEVER gave her a key because she is just that NOSY! Don't get my wrong I love her with all my heart but case in point when my cousin moved in with her for a while i caught her going through his stuff. Not only did she see nothing wrong with this behavior but she invited me to join in on the nosy fun.

My theories to how she came to posses a key are.

A: my mother gave her a key in order to promote family unity i guess.

B: my cousin(her son) gave her his key or left it at her house.

C: she somehow got his key without him knowing.

the main question now is what to do now?

Do I change the locks to my house to secure the sovereignty of my privacy? or do nothing and risk having the thought that at any given time she could be snooping?

On to the other subject. I was talking to a co-worker of mine about sexuality and they said something that just took me back about ten years.

" Yeah I'm in a relationship with a female bodied person now..."

It made me laugh and reminisce to when I first came out. Like most i guess the term would be "straight acting" ,"trade" or "butch" males that I've encountered I did not say that i was "GAY" but bi-sexual when i first came out. I would go on and on about how

"love is not limited to a physical form so we as evolved human beings should not limit ourselves to gender".

I would rant about how

"a man can love his father, his brother, his friend, and son and all of these types of love are acceptable in our society. At the same time if a man was to take another man as his lover then some how that is wrong. If you had the same love for a woman and then labeled her with the suffix "er" then that was acceptable. Moreover why even have labels at all. If it is true love then if it is a man or woman then the love will be the same. Love comes from the soul..... blah blah blah"

FOR ME it all boiled down to that fact that some how i felt that admitting my homosexuality was only ok if i also showed that i was still a "man" and still had an attraction to and for women. In reality it was what i call "creeping out of the closet" saying that women were still acceptable also made me acceptable. Acceptable to everyone but myself. Needless to say I am now a full fledged homosexual. The amount of girlfriends that showed me breasts and how it did nothing for me coupled with the fact that sexual intercourse was only achievable when thoughts of extremely sexy men with large asses danced in my head cemented in my soul that i was gay, not bi.

Now don't get me wrong i do believe that their are truly bi-sexual people out there ( the ones I've met 98% have been women). If you are what you are then say it proudly. I just have a problem when people lie to themselves and you know it and they even know it but to reference another conversation that i had with another co-worker today, people have to want to and be willing to make changes in themselves for themselves until then you live with the lie
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

thank you for reading my blog

In America when you hear the word "capitalism" the next words, ideas that usually follow are "democracy, freedom" . With this said and the American dollar dropping in value as I type how do we explain the capitalist Chinese economy?

We all (whom have taken a history class) remember how the Chinese government dealt with its peoples when they last took up arms and demanded more rights from their government. There is the lasting image of "Tank Man" on t-shirts, journals, and other novelty items here in America. If you travel off to the land of the east you wont (and dare not) find any mention of such a thing. In this land of the far east there have been reports of everything from people being arrested for spitting on the ground, taken to jail, executed, only to have their organs harvested and sold on the black market(http://en.epochtimes.com/news/7-10-23/61103.html).

How then with a Government that makes no qualms about its open and direct policy of supremacy to it people balance the every power shifting money grab that is capitalism. Capitalism by its definition implies that the "individual" can prosper. It implies that "privately own" corporations meet the demands and needs of the people; for a price.

With the Chinese government i believe that things have worked out so far because there was always big bad America to keep everyone in check. Now with America weakening economically like any other entrepreneur China see its doorway for growth and expansion. Deals with others for more profit. Cutting corners to bring in more and more money. Yet now with the Chinese people use to a certain level of economic freedom HISTORY has always proven that they again will want an equal level of social and civil freedoms as well. Who then steps in? Will China follow down the well worn path bloody that America once did in its revolutionary hay day? Will the will of the people once again be suppressed?

I truly don't know but, I will say in the next 20-30 years expect a lot to come from China. China boasting over 1.3 BILLION people (earths population 6.6 BILLION) means that 20% of the people on earth ( 1 OUT OF 5) live in china(http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/chinapopulation.htm), are Chinese, speak either Mandarin or Cantonese. China being the third largest country in the world(http://www.chinatoday.com/) the old saying about it being "the sleeping dragon" should be updated to "the sleeping dragon with ALOT of pissed off children.
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

thank you for reading my blog

I was all ready to go on a rampage about what happen to me at work today. I then realized that it might not be such a good idea to post that seeing as how i still work there. If by chance (which is always the most likely possibility with me) certain people were to see this blasted out, i could be kicked out.

What i will say(I hope that I can say this on here) today is that the plural form of "PENIS" is either "PENISES" OR "PENES". It seemed very strange "PENISES" just does not even sound grammatically correct and "PENES" just sound like a mispronunciation of "PENNIES"

To switch to something completely inappropriate. My mother and sister (whom share the same birthday) are going to Las Vegas for their birthdays. We have some cousins who moved there a year or so ago. I'm happy for them but at the same time they did not even ask me if I wanted to go. It does not matter however because one i could not afford it and two i would not be able to get time off

well that's whats on my mind right now I'll probably write more tonight

thank you for reading my blog
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

Forward or back? they are the same.

"Come forth I beseech thee. Dare not look back! Least you suffer consequences of thine own circumstances."

Forward or back? they are the same

You go forward.

In between the dark there is...
©Christopher f. Brown 2007

So I've started a blog. Yes I know that I'm late and everyone has a blog but what the hell; i didn't have one.

first off I'm Chris brown (not the singer. I practically ten years his senior) if your reading this then you probably know who I am. (hello)

as of 10/2007 I started learning Yoruba. It is an African language from Nigeria. I figured most of the people in America can trace their ancestry back to a country of origin simply by the tongue that their grandparents spoke. African Americans on the other hand; we can also trace our root back to Africa (for 300 dollars which i don't have you can do blood work and they now can tell you the precise tribe that your DNA is related to or closely matches).

I figured since Nigeria was one of the largest slave trade areas of the times and the Yoruba people always having been on of the largest tribes of the area i would be safe in saying that it could have been my "mother tongue" in a lot of ways it is a lot easier than English but also it is a tonal language. The word "oko" said incorrectly could mean "husband, farm, projectile, or even penis".

Just when i did not think the news had anything to tell anymore i realized that someone i know could very well be in the fire going on down in LA. I will say a prayer for him before i go to sleep tonight(morning) and I'll call him tomorrow.

Its late and that was on my mind. Thank you for reading my blog

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About this blog

I offer my own unique voice, my own vision. I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it. That is why I write, that is what I offer.



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